© 1997 Mistress Kay
Do not copy, print, or reproduce in any manner. Obtain permission for usage. 

Turning BDSM Fantasies into a Reality
A welcome into the world of BDSM from Mistress Kay

Do you think you are ready to make your fantasies reality? Taking a fantasy and making it a reality will change your life. Joining the BDSM lifestyle will change your life. You should really consider if you are interested in actually having the thoughts of B & D and/or S & M become real. All fantasies are based in some realm of reality... those fantasies we desire to come true and those fantasies we desire but do not want to become a reality. Often you here of someone wanting a fantasy abduction or fantasy rape - but it is just that - fantasy. No one would really like to be kidnapped and tortured or sexually forced by a stranger brutally. These are great things in fantasy however because then they are controlled and safe. Fantasy means a rape or abduction scene can be done in a safe, sane, and consensual manner. Many think of being tortured as a fantasy but find once they actually tried it, they did not like it. Perhaps it is a bad first experience, or with the wrong person, but I want everyone to enter into the BDSM lifestyle to have a safe and enjoyable experience. I hope these writing help.

Safe - Sane  - Consensual  

These are three prime words in BDSM play. And they do not make the fantasy any less enjoyable but much better in fact!  I also wish to point out that I am a lifestyle Mistress and have a lot of personal knowledge from many people who are My subjects, My submissives, and slaves.  I only write this to help out 'newbies' . A 'newbie' is a person just entering into a lifestyle. This is the most important time for you. How you enter into BDSM will have a lot to do with if you stay in it or not. Be educated going in into the lifestyle and you will have much better luck in finding your place.

Fear is a powerful tool, in love and in sex, as well as in reality. Fantasies sometimes are based on the desire to be afraid without ever fearing; much like the fear in a roller-coaster ride. An excitement grows from the fear. We want the adrenaline racing through our veins, making the heart race, desiring the outcome, seeking the end that we do and do not want. But often we do not want to give up the control. In B & D you are giving over control. In love, we often fear losing a person in a relationship. Sometimes the pain of the relationship is worth the fear. Sometimes the fear itself becomes a binding agent in the relationship. We do not fear other people dying as much as we fear the pain of that person no longer being around us; fearing the loss of their company ourselves, not what they will experience in death. 

In sex, fear is another matter. Many people fantasize about being raped or forced to do something - yet in fantasy the outcome is exactly how we envision it, with a pleasant and satisfying ending. Seldom does one fantasizes about the reality of a rape - the brutality and never ending violent pain of rape. But sections of a rape are fantasized about; the loss of control, the vulgarity of having no inhibitions, raw sex, the release of blame. Bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadomasochism, and masochism are a part of a sexual rape fantasy. But then as with all fantasies you still have the control.

But should a fantasy become a reality?

All of the aspects of B & D and S & M must be understood in their very basic format which is mental and emotional more so than sexual and physical. There is a reason emotionally and mentally that people are stimulated from these extensions from average sexual activities. I refuse to use the word normal as "normal" is purely dependant on an individual basis or the concept of what is accepted socially. There is also a huge difference between playing sexual games and living the lifestyle.

Think first, why does anyone particularly like any sexual pleasure? The first answer is because physically it feels good, sex is a natural thing - but everyone knows that. In all other animal worlds copulation is simply a matter of "wham-bam-thank-you-mam'", we are the only ones who put so much value to the emotional and mental aspects of sex. Perhaps this is only because we are "intelligent" - but it is this ability that also makes sex such a wonderful thing to us.

So... consider foreplay. Why is foreplay important? Some foreplay may be needed to sexually stimulate a person to be sexually capable; a man getting hard - a woman getting wet. Yet we always make more of it than that. Generally (and stereotypically) a woman wants to be assured of her attractiveness and her desirability. The initial flirting, dinner, candlelight dinners, are foreplay as it is during this time that an emotional bond is secured and her ego is caressed. Generally, a man is more capable of an immediate sexual response; usually not needing any emotional security before the sex act besides the woman making it obvious she is receptive to him. But both men and women need the mental stimulation of the anticipation and the impact on the senses. Animals need little more than smell and a taste before they get into sex. But as I said this is much more than sex. It is not the sex that is the appeal. In most cases there is very, very little sex or no se at all.  Yes, many of the acts may be sexual but in the lifestyle most of it will be the domination/submission taking precedence, being the foreplay with sex being the end - if at all.

If you are into this scene only for sex then you are just trying to spice up your sex life, you are not into the lifestyle. There is nothing wrong with being kinky - but kinky rough se is not the lifestyle of BDSM. The two are very different regardless of if you are into B&D or into S&M, it is a mind set. It is the way you think and complete style. Also let me point out that BDSM is a pansexual lifestyle. So if you think of this just sexually, perhaps it may need to remain a game that you play with a loved one. But if all the sex you ever think about involves BDSM and if you think of having a Mistress/Master in the light of the day - then perhaps you are ready to make your fantasy a reality.

I can't say that I have received one reason and one reason only as to why My slaves (subject, submissives, subs in training and slave candidates) are interested in being submissive. Here are some of the most common reasons I have received...

• not being able to control the situation and/or completely giving up control
• being forced to do something that they have always wanted to do or have fantasized about doing but won't/can't do on my own
• doing something and not being responsible for the action
• no guilt in extreme perversion or pleasure - being made to take it, what ever it is
• not knowing what will happen having to give up all my trust and safety, the ultimate love and self sacrifice
• excitement of fear, the unknowingness of giving trust
• the intensity, the extremes
• body worship or being a pleasure giver
• having a very strict guided life, not having to make decisions, or just not having to during a session
• dedication - giving or receiving as a top should be as dedicated as the bottom
• the love from a Domme/Dom, the bliss of praise and reward, knowing they have done what the top wanted

As to why someone is interested in being dominating tends to be a little more simple...

• power and control
• getting what I want, the way I want it, and how I want it
• the pride when I give the slave to another or have them in front of others
• being able to make a person beg and desire me ultimately
• knowing I am the most important person to my slave, the intense love from a slave
• having a human that I own, like a loved pet, I have complete responsibility, I can give all my love in any manner I desire

As I said these are some of the most common things I hear from both sides of the fences. Notice these reasons are mental and emotional ones, not really sexual at all. Many slaves have been very concerned about being spanked, making sure that they will be in the first session.  Although spanking is a part of BDSM, usually the person who likes spanking is into spanking as a sexual form, not the lifestyle disciplinary act that it is with BDSM. Parts of BDSM can just be sexual kinky extensions of sex. You need to figure out what is right for you in regards to why you think you want to enter into BDSM.

So how does a DOM (dominate person) or a sub (a submissive person) really know if they are interested in making fantasy a reality? They don't - not any more than anyone else knows. It is a scary thing to experience a fantasy. Will the reality be as good as the fantasy? You should justly fear having a fantasy come true. In your mind everything in a fantasy is perfect - in reality, well, not everything is perfect (but sometimes it is better!).

Figure out why you are interested and to what extent you are interested. Contemplate if you want a D/s (Dominate/submissive) relationship or just a quick one time controlled sexual experience. Remembering that this is mostly mental, not physical, do some reading of adult magazines - read the articles as well as looking at the photos and figure out what in the photos are turn ons. Get on line and into chat rooms where you can ask slaves as well as Dominates about the lifestyle. Knowing yourself will make your experiences better because you will be able to relate them to your partner. This is not a lifestyle for kooks and those who are not mentally stable. Remember sane is a key word. Not only do you have to be realistic the person you find has to be responsible in play also. Ask around on the chat board about who too meet and not meet and why. There are usually local groups that are perfect for a newbie - it gives you a chance to meet people in the lifestyle in a safe enviroment.

In either case, if you want to be a Dominate or submissive, you will need to associate yourself with O/others. You can not just decide in a day or two to be a Mistress or Master. There are certain ways to do things that you must learn even as a Dominate. If you want to become a Dominate you will have to find another Dominate who is willing to train you. The Dominate will train you how to be a Dominate by teaching you on their slave(s). Then once the Dominate says you are ready, you can then go about calling yourself such and find your own slave(s). Having been trained by a group I really hate hearing people who just claim to be a titled DOM/ME. There is a wonderful world in some of the formalities that I think all 'want to be tops' should explore.

Getting your feet wet (and maybe something else)

So, you think you want to be a Dominate or a sub... but don't know how to go about it. You want more than just sex games. You want more than just fantasies. The first thing is that you should be sure of your decision then you must be determined. If you are sure you want to go through with becoming a Dominate or a sub the first thing you will have to do is find an instructor, another Dominate. To be called a Dominate you must be given that privilege from another Dominate. Even a Dominate must be trained in an art before they become a Dominate.

True DOM and sub relationships are based on an influx of an emotional and physical relationship - not sexual alone, in fact sex is the least important of this relationship. Just as sex is the least important part of a marriage. The main component is trust and security which in itself turns into a cherished relationship. This may be a strange concept for some but the true DOM and submissive will relate to this statement.

I hope that by this time you have analyzed why you are seeking to be a DOM or a sub. You have to understand yourself in order to convey the information to your trainer. Many DOMs think they can just be sexually dominating to a partner and then they are a DOM - no, it doesn't work that way; nor would it work for a slave to simply tell a partner to spank them. A spanking does not make you a slave. If you are interested in purely sexually dominating then are are seeking to only overpower a partner sexually. If you wish to be sexually submissive them you are seeking an overbearing sexual partner, in which case almost any partner or prostitute would be able to accommodate you in your sexual games. If you are into this scene sexually only - remember that you are playing games and that you should let the other person know that you are into the BDSM games, not the lifestyle.

A Dominatrix is an experienced Dominate female who understands the intricacies of playing the game and who is usually paid to use their experience. Many people who are not interested in an emotional attachment or who are seeking a one time deal to give it a try, will have their first experience with a Dominatrix.  Domimatrixes demand no sexual indications as that would make them a prostitute in the eyes of the law. Like I have been saying, BDSM is not all sexual. Sex is a fine line that  Domimatrixes do not cross over, so you should be sure to investigate the Dominatrix you intend to visit and ask questions. Getting arrested for solicitation in this situation would be most embarrassing. Personally I would even consider myself a Dominatrix to some people as I will accept limited emotional relationships and do sessions. Since I would not be getting my full pleasure from the intense bonding that I would get from a slave I would need to be pleased in other ways. BDSM is always based in pleasing the top and I do deserve lots of  pleasure! I always need something for the house or dungeon, so I will accept gifts.

Please don't let me mislead you; most DOMs will be expecting some sort of gratuity unless you are establishing a long-term personal relationship, and those are few and far between since most DOM/sub relationships will only blossom into a personal relationship. And if a DOM is training you and allowing you the use of their slaves , experience, and location, you would be expected to be generous in return. I  train tops because I love knowing that they will get the benefit of my years of experience. Often couples will come to me asking for one to be trained as a top. Again, this is hard work and takes time and as in all things that are not relationship oriented gratitude should be offered.   As a DOM in training you may be required to commit to letting your trainer have use of your new slaves or perhaps buy the trainer a new toy. But that is between the trainer and the trainee, in any case be expected to give more than just respect. Many Dominatrix allow novices while some do not. A novice is someone who has not been trained.  If you wish to be a DOM, you to will need to seek an experienced dominate who can teach you how to handle and train slaves. Again, to some, a Dominatrix may be a first resource but there are usually local get together that can educate you.

The first thing to establish is the need for safety and experience when seeking a DOM/ME. Sexually if you are going in that direction, but firstly in reputation, experience, and knowledge. If you are not just playing a game (which is usually sexual to some level) then you are seeking to enter a relationship - just as with an vanilla relationship trust is built before sex. 

When you are seeking a trainer to teach you how to be a Dom/me or a sub you should ask questions. A lot of them and at least these few in the beginning.   (Mistress Kay's  answers are in italics)

1.) How long have you been involved in this type of scene?

Always locate someone who has at least one year's experience. After a year this person will have really begun to understand the mental and physical concerns of a sub. A DOM must really understand the emotional/mental needs of a sub. Both the DOM and the sub need to be emotionally and mentally stable. Stability is shown by the person understanding the lifestyle, the emotions of each party, and the ability to life the lifestyle as well as a productive life. I have been in and out of this lifestyle for all of my sex life, so I have many years of experience and understanding. I have trained several DOM/ME, had several slaves, and trained many subs.

2.) Who trained you?

This will give you some idea of who the person is and if they are experienced enough to be a safe (physically, mentally, and emotionally). Be sure that the Master explains that they where given the title by another. A person can not just assume they understand and take a name of Master or Mistress. It must be earned by the Master who trains them. I became involved in a small group that was dedicated to the exploration of and instruction of Dominates and submissives. Having met several DOMs over the years and been given formal training by them, I have also exchange ideas and conversed a lot about the art to various DOMs. I became involved in a small group in the late 70's that was dedicated to the exploration of and instruction of Dominates and submissives, here in St. Louis. I trained (and worked hard) in that group for eight months before being given the title of Mistress by the group/Master Ron.

3.) Could you give me a brief explanation of a first session?

If the DOM does not explain how they would question you about your physical capabilities and emotional/physical desires, then forget about this person. The DOM should also reassure you about safety and express something about a "safe" word or code as well as a slow word..  If I was taking a subject for a personal toy I would meet them at a local social function. W/we would talk there and on line and perhaps even on the phone before meeting at My dungeon for play. If the person was a subject interested in just a session situation I would have them go to My web site and answer a lot of questions in a letter of introduction to Me - and take it from there.  I always ask a lot about health, experience, desires, fears, and history. W/we establish a slow word and a safe word for a session. W/we talk a lot.

4.) What are you looking for in a submissive?

The Dominate should be able to give you a clear idea of what they seek and why. The person I seek has to be honest. I want a lot of information on the person so when I play I know I am not going to go past boundaries of a person and yet know them well enough that I can use that information to intensify the experience - for both of us. My needs and desires on the type of submissives I have change.

 

Now, I am not sure if my answers,   those in italics,  would be the ones that you wish to hear, the ones that made you feel most comfortable, but it gives you an idea of how a DOM might answer the questions. The main thing is - do you feel like you could trust this person... If you are a DOM seeking a trainer so you can become a DOM too you would need to ask if they would be willing to allow you to practice on their stable or slave. DOMs that do not offer instruction with use of their slave or stable are not the right person to be trained by. (The word stable/harem/house means that they have more than one person who is classified as a slave that services their needs - not just their normal partner or spouse.) Also, some DOMs who are training someone as a Dominate will require you play bottom to them. At some point or another you should play bottom because it will allow you to learn a lot about what the slave might be going through- of course your mind set will probably vary a bit, but getting a taste of your own medicine is not a bad idea. The point is that a true Master knows that you as a training DOM have no idea how to properly get a slave and that a trainee should be taught by interacting with an experienced slave. Talk at great lengths to a DOM you are seeking as a teacher.

Depending on the level of BDSM, the following (regardless if you are male or female) are some of the basic questions you should be prepared to answer for a DOM before you even start looking for one as a slave or as a Master in Training...