© 2009 Mistress Kay ~ BDSM Sanctuary ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
This article, in part or whole, may be used in the manuscript of a future book or articles.
Published Authoress, Mistress Kay writes this article to help those attending or planning a FemDomme event.
Her book and articles are often used in the BDSM Community. This free article is located on-line at http://www.bdsmsanctuary.com/articles/index.shtml

Click here to return to BDSM Sanctuary

Planning or Attending a FemDomme Event

FemDomme is a state of mind and lifestyle more than an activity.  At a FemDomme party all attendees must project that Women are Dominant and a male is submissive. A FemDomme party can be very different than going to a ‘pansexual BDSM’ social which would include Female and male Dominants. If male dominants were accepted it would be a ‘pansexual FemDomme’ event. A FemDomme event does not always indicate BDSM activities.

As a planner, the more information you can give the better the response will be. The event information should give a very clear picture of what may transpire. The party planner needs to indicate if BDSM play is acceptable. This is discreetly said by the words ‘play party’ or more openly it is said as ‘Dungeon’. When planning a FemDomme event, social, party or munch the organizer must give the possible attendees some key information.

When everyone understands the dynamics of FemDomme event, party, social or munch then everyone is more comfortable and relaxed. E/everyone attending an event should understand the various depths of FemDomme ways. This is equally important to the Lady as it is to the sub. If you have been in the BDSM lifestyle then you have probably heard of low, medium and high protocol. A FemDomme event will most likely be classified as a medium protocol event, which will be explained further.

This can be said since the subs/males will be responsible for a high level of attention to the Lady. Getting drink and food, the structured greeting with lowered eyes, smoking etiquette, how to be at rest for the sub and the meticulous manners that need to be demonstrated by the sub makes this a medium protocol event by default.

Remember, a sub is happiest when it knows exactly what it is supposed to do. The sub is happy to know that there are rules and punishments for not doing well, not doing it as taught, not acting quickly enough or not behaving as directed by the event.

Who is a FemDomme and how does She think?
One of the most important things to establish about giving or attending a FemDomme event is to understand the attitudes of the possible attendees. There are those who present themselves in a FemDomme manner and those that are a 24/7 Lifestyle FemDomme.

FemDomme loosely means ‘Female Dominant’. A FemDomme’s personality traits will include (to various degrees) being a Matriarch, a Female Supremacist and a Gynarchist. At a FemDomme party you may find Ladies who demonstrate a mild FemDomme presence, such as being in a dominant role. There may also be very intense levels of FemDomme control shown by a 24/7 Lifestyle FemDomme. When 24/7 FemDommes are mixed in with FemDommes who are role-playing is it not surprising that They both will be raising eyebrows at each Other. A 24/7 FemDomme cannot understand why a male is not behaving in the strict manner She believes in. A role-playing FemDomme may see a 24/7 FemDomme as harsh and too intense. This is why this reading is very important, so that the FemDommes and subs have an understanding of the vast differences.

In some FemDomme circles, such as the international group ClubFEM, it is declared as “exclusively Female Dominant and male submissives”. They accept that how the attendees act during a ClubFEM party does not mean that they retain those roles in their daily lives. This means that a 24/7 lifestyle and a role-playing FemDomme may attend the same social/play party. In some FemDomme events you will find female submissives and male submissives. Unless otherwise stated the FemDomme party could be all Female Dominants and subs of both genders. The event planner should strive to cover all the components of this writing to explain the possible attitudes of the attendees. Letting the attendees know if submissive females are acceptable is very important. If all Females can ‘play’ a dominant role, switches and tops would also be welcomed to the event as long as they were playing a dominant Female role.

24/7 Lifestyle FemDommes are hard-wired knowing males are the inferior gender.                                                                            Click here to return to BDSM Sanctuary
She will project an appearance of utter confidence and conviction.  Here are some notes to how a 24/7 lifestyle FemDomme might.

•     They will demonstrate Their sincerity in every aspect of Their lives, not just at a party.

•     They expect that all males are there for the sole use and purpose of Women

•     They demand that all Women are treated with the utmost admiration and kindness

•     The sub is here to support Her in all regards, always

•     The sub will disclose all facts of his life if She asks

•     A FemDomme keeps many parts of Her life a secret

•     The sub will be at Her beckon call day or night. If She accepts someone married then She chooses to allow the sub to act in accordance to FemDomme principals by providing for the Wife and children as well as the FemDomme

•     She will use a male for creation of Her children but may not wish to keep the bio father around

•     Children are a priority. A FemDomme would never take money that would be taking away things from the sub’s children.

•     She will raise Her children teaching them of FemDomme philosophy.

•     A sub exists to service Her; including tasks like grocery shopping (which he would also pay for) to servicing Her car and home, again with him paying

•     No amount of money would compromise Her FemDomme ways.

•     The sub always pays for dinner and entertainments

•     The subs are a source of entertainment

•     A sub gives Her money whenever he can since it would make the 24/7 Lifestyle FemDomme happy. Often She will act indifferent to these gifts since he is only acting as he is supposed to.

•     The sub will request to do tasks for Her for the pure joy of making Her happy

•     The sub is to get what She wants and when She wants it – no excuses

•     She believes that a man must prove his worth to receive Her time

•     A slave/sub can be dismissed even if She is in love with him

•     Any man in Her life will understand that She is a 24/7 lifestyle FemDomme

•     A 24/7 FemDomme may have an alpha male in Her life (a male She is in love with that may not be her slave/submissive)

submissives to the FemDommes
It is the responsibility of the FemDomme to have Her sub trained. A FemDomme trains Her sub(s) to give all Women respect, to revere them as nobility and to know Women are creatures worthy of worship. She will train them (or have them trained) in proper sub manners, FemDomme etiquette and show the males how they are inferior to Women but also show them the ways that they can serve with honor, receiving deep pleasure for doing a good job.

A submissive is lost and without pleasure unless it serves Her. Many times single attendees will not know how to act in the presence of such magnificence. The sub that wishes to serve but is alone and without direction is a pity. An unclaimed sub should attend functions so it can learn and hopefully will find the Owner relationship.  A well-mannered and useful sub is always attractive to a FemDomme.

Reflections
A slave/sub is a direct reflection on its Owner or the Lady it came with to an event. If the Lady is so inclined to bring a male then She must know this male well enough to claim him for that night. She will ‘protect’ him so that he does not make errors or insults the FemDomme way. The easiest way to do this is to have the male observe from a ‘resting’ state (described later). Since a sub should be seen and not heard there is little chance of it getting in trouble if it keeps quiet.

If the slave/sub does not act correctly then it would be a disgrace on the Woman. There is such a high regard for honesty and honor that this is a very important topic. If the party is defined in such a way that the Female is to be portrayed as the Dominant and males must seem submissive then one or the other, perhaps both, are role-playing. When it is  recreational to attend a party and not lifestyle, there can easily be mishaps, usually caused by the male mistakes. Any foul should immediately be corrected and punishment given. Those role-playing and Lifestylers will have very different opinions on what a punishment should be for an infraction. If you are just role-playing then the Lady must react quickly to explain that they are not in the lifestyle and the male should then beg for forgiveness or in some way make up for it’s lack of knowledge. It is acceptable for the Owner to give the sub to the Lady it has offended for punishment. 

In not living the FemDomme lifestyle the Woman may not have trained the sub properly. She may not know enough of the FemDomme Society and attitude to train. It is best that the FemDomme and Her guest declare themselves as inexperienced. There is no harm or shame in being new in FemDomme conceptions but to mislead your experience will show. Again, just a reminder that honest and open communication equals honor.

There are common rules to every FemDomme event/party                                                                                                         Click here to return to BDSM Sanctuary

•     The sub is respectful in all manners to the Females, Dominant or submissive

•     A Female sub is always seen as greater than any male

•     males remain passive and submissive, males do not argue

•     A male never makes any sexual remarks or advances

•     Do not touch a person without permission

•     A sub must have his Lady’s permission to play with another Domme

•     Do not touch any One’s toys without permission

•     Only play with things you have skill in

•     Do not attempt to use equipment you are not skilled in

•     A male does not flirt with or seek notice from any FemDomme other than its Owner.

•     Follow the Dungeon Monitor’s (DM) instructions

•     males do not in any circumstance threaten, raise a hand to, clutch or grab a Female

•     The sub is responsible for disclosing its limits or the limits its Owner may have established.

•     If there are any concerns tell/talk to the DM or the Hostess.

•     If you don’t know, ask.

•     The sub just needs to remember to ask for permission to speak – or to do anything

•     If a club, group, society gives the event then their rules must be followed. Note that the same location may have different groups or people rent the location.

•     If there are location rules, be sure as a planner to let the attendees know about dress code

Alcoholic Beverages
If there is alcohol there are some basic rules that must be followed since it is in a setting where SSC BDSM play may occur. Most Hostesses, dungeons, and events will escort those intoxicated to the door, some may put the person on probation while some may ban the person from future events. In some circumstances the intoxicated person is allowed to stay but must remain in a socializing area.

Some events may have a cash bar, free refreshments, be strictly BYOB (offering no mixers or even soda) or a party refreshment center. In the case of the latter the Hostess will have some soda and mixers, perhaps coffees/ teas, perhaps wines with the alcohol being provided by all male guests.  There is usually a list so the most popular things for the Ladies are provided. Ask your Hostess. If it is not a cash bar, and the drink choice of the Lady is not present, Her male will ask the Hostess if there is anything else it should get and ask permission to return to the event. This is because often, once an event has started there is a ‘no entrance policy’ after a specific time.

•     Drinks may be permitted but no play should be engaged in while under the influence.

•     There must be a designated driver

•     The males are responsible for serving.

•     Be polite and show respect to your Hostess by not getting intoxicated.

•     Think - what a drunk does may influence if the location will allow future events

•     Some areas may not allow drinks – such as a dungeon or play area

Low Protocol = Extremely good manners
The politest of manners are called for at any FemDomme event. This very polite behavior may be referred to as low protocol and would be appropriate at a munch.

Medium Protocol
Since a 24/7 FemDomme is such a stickler regarding excellent manners, some feel it is better to be labeled as Medium Protocol. The slave/sub must ask permission to smoke, to sit, and to get up, to go the bathroom, or to leave and go do something else.  Basically, everything the slave/sub does must be granted from the Lady. If you are stag then you can ask the Women around or the Hostess.

 With Medium Protocol comes basic service training (how to properly serve food/drink).  There are many rules on how to serve. If the sub is not trained how to serve then at least remember these… Hand Her a cup with the handle facing the Lady and glasses/plates in a flat hand with a napkin and utensils when needed. The Lady is not to be interrupted to take it. Upon Her taking the item the sub should ask if there is anything else it can do for the Lady.

•     Never push past a Female! Wait until She has moved before you pass. Do not touch Her in any way. If the sub is on a mission for a Lady and it seems the male needs to hurry, it can ask to interrupt to be allowed to pass. This statement is only true when the male is on a mission for a Lady. If the male wanted something for itself it will simply wait.

•     Always think of the Woman first

•     When going to the bar, ask the other Ladies in the conversational circle if you can get something for them also.

•     If there is only one restroom, the male will allow any Females to go before it does. The Lady may have the male stand in line for Her.

•     Hold out the chair / escort Her to seating / keep Her seat for Her

•     Any question She has, the male should quickly find the answer to.                                                                                     Click here to return to BDSM Sanctuary

 Medium Protocol when meeting a FemDomme

The sub should greet the Dominant Lady with a curtsy (bio-females, cross dressers if dressed, and sissies even if undressed) or bow. Eyes looking down and say something on the order of ‘an honor to meet you’. Some males extend a hand so that it may kiss it. Some Ladies will expect the sub to kiss Their feet.  Wait for your Owner or the Fem Domme to engage you into the conversation.  The sub should stay where it is and quiet until directed otherwise. 

 Lowered eyes and/or head of a submissive
This is a touchy subject when mixing those just ‘playing’ to those who demand a strict understanding and obedience to a FemDomme. If you are attending a FemDomme event then you know you have a set of generic rules to follow in attending the event. A male should never look a FemDomme in the eyes until She gives the sub permission. If you do not like this manner of greeting/introduction then perhaps you should not attend since this is the first form of the sub knowing the FemDomme is showing it is superior, even tho it is not Hers, She still is more important than he is.

Address the Women appropriately
You should be sure of the title She prefers is used; Lady, Ma’am, Mistress, Goddess, Domme, FemDomme, Queen, Domina, Dominatrix. If you were introduced, the title was probably spoken. If you have to ask, then you should say something like “Excuse me, what title may I please use when addressing you?” 

If you are also a FemDomme it is appropriate to address the FemDomme by Her preferred lifestyle name without a title beforehand. Some FemDommes may wish Her title used by other FemDommes. This is a common physiological exercise for the submissives. Using the title keeps them focused on the fact that Women rule.

If the sub is meeting an equal submissive then direct eye contact is permitted. There are several opinions on how subs should greet one another. Generally the subs could have direct eye contact, shake hands or whatever. Most Ladies have only one male and will be attending with just one sub. However; you must also be aware that there are BDSM ‘Houses’ and stables, which means there is more than one slave/sub belonging to one FemDomme or they may be in a poly-family. If this is the case it is proper for you to ask questions of the ‘Queen of the House’, so to speak.

 sub Mingling
Often in a BDSM setting a sub may be allowed to mingle. The submissive needs to ask to have permission to be social. BUT - this is tricky because no matter what, a sub must be available to the Owner Hint – subs need to keep the Owner in sight at all times no matter what level of protocol is called for. 

Conversation Notes

• A sub must ask to join a conversation. When granted, what the sub says should reflect its personality but never oppose the Lady’s opinion. 
• If a subs personal opinion differs from what the Lady just said, the sub would simply not remark on the issue.
• It is never acceptable to argue or contradict your Owner.
• It is best to remember that subs should be seen but not heard
• The sub may be allowed to sit and listen
• The sub may be waived away and dismissed from Her presence for the moment. The sub needs to remember to keep Her in site in case She needs anything. She should never have to call a sub.

Smoking                                                                                                                                                                 Click here to return to BDSM Sanctuary

• Be sure where the designated smoking area is to inform the Lady.
• The sub needs to see that ashtrays are present and clean if She smokes.
• If She smokes and no ashtrays are present, a sub’s hand or mouth will be used to collect the ashes. The owner then would hand the sub the cigarette butt when She is finished, unless She prefers to tamp out the smoke in his hand or mouth.
• If She smokes the sub must have a lighter at all times and without being told to the sub should be at hand to light the smoke
• A sub was there to light a cigarette. The task is complete, She does not need to even address that a sub was present
• A sub must ask permission to smoke.
• If a sub is smoking it had better remember to keep the Lady in site of to make the smoke very brief in case She needs something
• A sub should be aware of all Lady smokers.  If Her sub is not there the sub should present itself, obviously with the lighter, asking, “May I?” to light Her smoke.

A sub ‘resting’
The Hostess of the event will establish where subs may sit. Usually males are not allowed on furniture and should figure that it will spend it’s evening on the floor or standing. It is appropriate to bring a pillow and in some cases a sub may even be allowed kneepads.

When a sub is ‘at rest’ it still needs to be very aware of the surroundings. No one wants a sub hovering about and being in the way.

A common ‘at Rest Position’ for a submissive is for the sub to kneel on floor with ass resting on heels. Back straight. Head should be slightly lowered with eyes lowered but not shut. The hands are placed palm down on thighs. The sub should not slouch. It should show that it is honored to be in this position.

Attire  - When in doubt – ask
Of course the FemDommes want to know what to wear. In general, any fetish clothing permitted to a nightclub should be acceptable at a party. Depending on where the event is being held, subs may be granted the privilege of wearing collar, cuffs, leash or other fetish/BDSM fashions and symbolism. Sometimes fetish is only allowed in certain areas so street clothes may also be necessary.

The event planner should be sure to explain attire.  Some parties have rules on what can be worn. Do note that most males feel uncomfortable nude in front of other males. Some subs may feel embarrassed due to body form. As a party planner you really have to take these things into consideration.

Most munches are held in vanilla or semi-vanilla places where fetish attire may exceed the establishment’s tolerance. Always keep in mind what an individual does reflect on everyone. The organizer needs to be very clear on accepted attire and BDSM related things.

 Knowledge can make a FemDomme event, party, social or munch a happy and relaxed fun time!